why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
