It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
