i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
