apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize