just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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