Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
