shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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