Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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