Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
