This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
