I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
