Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
