he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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