i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
