Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
