I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
These tits shall not be calmed
i believe in u and ur pee
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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