she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
