Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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