Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
