I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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