in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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