Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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