you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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