Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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