filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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