grandma shit on top of the toilet
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
