One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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