I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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