they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
