What did we do last night that was yellow?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
