I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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