yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize