The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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