Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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