pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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