True but thats because hes a fetus.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
