I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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