Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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