I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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