Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
