I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
