just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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