Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize