wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
