Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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