tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
