Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I got inside last night via doggy door
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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