There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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