This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
