this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
