My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
