So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
