There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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