So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
