first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
