I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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