Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
