Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
