Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
